Happy Birthday to Me.

So, it’s my birthday this week. The level of emotions and anxiety leading up to my next trip around the sun have been overwhelming. Tony had always been the one to make a big deal out of my birthday, and often times I was embarrassed and even aggravated by it.

This year, my first without him in 23 years, it is hard to even know how to feel or celebrate. This day…as I have known for the last 49 weeks, would be the last of the lasts with the anniversary of his death coming up in March. If I could have it my way, I would just press the fast forward button and skip over it…I’d probably skip all the way over the next few weeks and cruise right into April. But I have learned all too well that it doesn’t work that way. The only way to handle it is to push through it, as uncomfortable as it feels.

So, here I am. Pushing through. Owning my feelings and floating them out here…

The last year of my life has, without doubt, been the most painful I have ever experienced. In many ways, I feel like this one year has aged me more than the last ten before it. I’ve grown in ways I never imagined or wanted to. While I do miss and mourn who I used to be, every day I get a little more comfortable in who I am becoming.

While some may think it will be easy to say good riddance to the last year, it is quite the opposite.

And looking ahead, I can’t come to terms with this birthday. Not because of the number that comes with it. I’ve always welcomed being another year older and up until a few years ago, life just seemed to get better and better with each year. Even after Tony’s diagnosis, while scared for the future, I appreciated the laser vision we had on our life and love together. But now, because I have the privilege of being an age that he never reached, it carries a whole new significance. It feels like I am leaving him behind.

I don’t know how I’ll feel when the actual day comes this week. I know I want to handle it with grace and gratitude, but I can’t guarantee I will. I guess it’s just hard to make the day about me without it also being about him.

As for my wishes for the year ahead when I blow out my candles? I have lots of them, big and small. But I can’t share because then they might not come true.

Love,

Jen