In these early months of grief, it is so easy to focus only on what makes me sad and lonely. What I’ve lost – what I had and what the future no longer holds. It’s a concept that leaves me frozen and feeling paralyzed.
I haven’t been able to sit and write anything recently for a few reasons. First, life has just been busy. School starts soon and we’ve been cramming as much into these last weeks of summer as possible. At the end of most days, sleep comes pretty easy because I’m worn out and exhausted. I’ve become accustomed to feeling like I am barely keeping my head above water. Second, I’ve struggled with what to write about. I named this blog ‘Living. Good. Grief.’ for a reason. I want to focus on the living and the good parts just as much as the grief. But those feelings haven’t been coming easily enough to put into words.
I’ve written before the weight that the weekends bring, especially Sunday nights. Last weekend was especially tough, and as a family it was probably one of the worst we’ve had.
Yet, as I close in on this weekend, and tonight, which marks 22 weeks since saying goodbye, I realize this weekend was different.
I haven’t gotten weepy.
I haven’t felt like sitting in sadness.
Even after typing that and really thinking about it, I still don’t. There were multiple times the last two days where I thought that the sadness was going to rush over me, but it didn’t.
I have been….okay. Really okay. Content with everything and everyone that surrounded me. Happiness has been sitting on top of that base layer of sadness that exists within me.
I feel like this needs to be shared. If I’m going to share the deep and dark sad stuff, I can share some of the lighter moments that can bring happiness.
The beauty of my summer flowers. Throwing some dinner on the grill. Playing with the kids and the dogs on the floor. The oddball goofy things that the kids say or do that just make us laugh and laugh. Time with friends who will sit with me and embrace whatever mood I am in, no matter what the moment is.
Do I think this is any major breakthrough? Not really. But I do think getting through the weekend without feeling like I’ve hit a brick wall is something to be noted. When I look back over these early months, I want to remember that there were moments that the fog lifted.
I know I’ll crash back into that wall – maybe even tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a few more days.
But at least I can remember the hurdle of this weekend and know that I have made it through okay.